For better or worse, or never

I am ready for marriage.

Those words might be empty since I’ve never been married and have only been engaged once upon a time ago.

It’s true, I have no idea what to expect in a marriage. But, to be honest, no one actually knows. Even those who have been married before, if they’re looking at marriage again, it would be totally different because it’s (probably) with someone totally new.

I’m ready to jump out of the plane. I’m ready for marriage. Yet I will spend another year filling my taxes as “single.” How does this happen?

My ex had a list of excuses why we couldn’t get married.

First, he needed to pay off his credit cards. Yet when that happened our relationship still sat there because now he needed to pay off his school loan. Then he wanted to buy a house. And blah blah blah, on the list went. Every time we crossed one thing off, another was added.

If the love of my life wanted to get married tomorrow, I would.

I don’t even need a wedding because 1) I don’t deserve one 2) It’s too stressful 3) Too expensive 4) My family would kill each other 5) It’s no longer a dream of mine to pretend to be a pretty princess for a day.

But that won’t happen, for an entirely new list of reasons.

I should “rejoice in the waiting.” That’s right. Rejoice in this horrible, agonizing time of wanting something more than anything and realizing it won’t happen as I dreamed. And the saddest part? That “dream” recessed from an extravagant gala in the forest to please just sign the papers…and it still won’t happen anytime soon.

On the current trajectory, if marriage ever happens for me I’ll be 30+. Kids? Unlikely. My dreams of being a young, happily married couple are dead and I can’t find the will to pretend anymore.

I think I’ll give myself a month to grieve and say goodbye to my kids—It’s not too hard. I only knew them in my dreams. Then I’ll dust myself off, pick myself up, and yell:

I

DON’T

NEED

MARRIAGE.

And if my family will shut up about it too, maybe a miracle will happen in my heart and one day I won’t even want marriage. Maybe the problem is I so desperately long for the closeness that can come from marriage that I push any possibility of it away like two magnets facing the same direction.

Have you ever tried pushing them together? It doesn’t work. Not really, and not for very long. So, I need to flip my magnet, and then maybe I can attract it. But this crazy theory only works if I truly 100% without a doubt can flip it.

I have to flip it. Which means, I can’t dream about one day making a home with someone. Cooking breakfast in our kitchen. Cuddling on a chilly evening. I have to learn to love my “home” now. I have to look at my life and see it as complete, as it is, right now.

Simple.

The hard part is finding a way to tell my parents they probably maybe might not have any grandkids. Eeek.

In short, I’m not okay. But I will be. I believe God gives us everything we need when it’s the right time to give it. So…I must not be ready yet. Or maybe, I don’t need it?

I can’t explain how much letting go of this expectation hurts—it’s like burning and ripping and the air feels heavy yet too thin…I dreamed about being somebody’s beloved wife since I was 4.

But no matter what, I will get over this just I have all the other heartbreaks: with lots of prayer, chocolate milk, and Disney movies. If you need me, I’ll be wrapped up like a human burrito watching The Little Mermaid or poorly singing along with Learn to Let Go by Welshly Arms.

Actually, I feel a smidge better already. Maybe being forever un-wed isn’t the worst fate after all.

Want more songs? Try this playlist.