I’m not going to ask why you want it.
I know why.
There’s a sweet whisper in your ear, promising to lift the heavy burdens crushing your chest. Promising to chase all your fears back under your bed. Telling you that being alive is not worth the agony of this moment.
You’ve taken all you can take, and then life always gives you more. Maybe you decided after your got a bad grade on a paper you studied all night for, or didn’t turn in at all. You shared your feelings and got placed in the friendzone, and now you don’t even speak. Your best friend stabbed you in the back. You can’t live up to their expectations. The one you love is in love with another. You don’t have any friends. You don’t belong. You’re abused. You’re addicted. “It was a mistake.” “I’m sorry.” “It just was an accident.” And life isn’t worth living.
I get it. I’ve been there, too.
You want the worries, lies, pain, stress, all of it to disappear. And it can––in an instant. But then you go away too…
“Good.” You might be thinking, “That doesn’t sound so bad.”
But understand something. As you read this, you blinked about 15 times. You swallowed once, maybe even just now. And you took approximately seven breaths. It’s a simple gesture, really. Your shoulders raise as your diaphragm contracts and expands. Even if you fail at every other aspect of life, you successfully converted oxygen into carbon dioxide, allowing plants to grow and continue the recycle. If you end your life, you will not be able to do these simple tasks.
“Is that it? You want me to suffer through life for CO2?”
No. What happens when you don’t exist is much larger than bodily functions. You stop breathing, obviously. But the next day, you stop making memories with the people left behind. Then, what little they can remember will fade until only a painful reminder of your greatest betrayal remains when they think “you should have been here.”
You’re not weird. You’re not a freak or broken for thinking about ending your life. It entices all of us. When the pressure rises and I feel like I’m suffocating, I don’t turn to suicide anymore. The last time I tried, I heard a voice telling me to stop. If you’re reading this now, this is my voice asking you, please stop.
Don’t do this. If you’re looking for a sign or a reason to not end your life, this is it.
You don’t agree right now, but you are valuable. And the best part is your value doesn’t come from something you did or didn’t do, it’s not because of who you are or aren’t, it’s because God made you with value. He made you with love. You are loved. And you need to hear it from someone.
Tonight, that someone is me. Using these letters. Using this website. Using your bandwidth…Thank you for that. And thank you for reading.
Greener grass is not waiting for you on the other side. This life is your only garden, and you are the only one who can nurture it. Maybe the flowers are wilting and the soil feels like sand right now. But you can make a rose bloom in the Sahara with a little water, and some carbon dioxide.
So please, keep breathing.
This is the only post I’ve ever written without memes…I want you to know that I’m serious. You’re valued, loved, and tomorrow can be a better day.*
If it’s not, come back tomorrow.
If you’re thinking about suicide, please talk to someone.
Karianne is the founder of Windmill Ways. She plays the cello professionally and currently works as an Art Director for a charity. Because she loves animated shows and movies, she studies 3D animation and graduated with a BFA with the unfortunate class of 2020. Her dream vacation would be just staying home, but "home" being a glamorous cabin somewhere in the mountains surrounded by forest.
Favorite band: Lord Huron
Favorite book: This Present Darkness
Favorite quote: "Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life. You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail." Proverbs 19:20-21 (NLT)
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