“The Halloween party will probably be at Joel’s house.” My friend mentioned in a text.
Grrrr. While the phrase appears innocent, Joel is my boyfriend. I was just informed that the party might be at my boyfriend’s house.
It’s great to have a boyfriend that all my friends actually like, and think he’s fun to be around. But I feel like I have a community boyfriend, again. And the last guy I was with who enjoyed being around my friends, actually left me for one of them.
I said it was fine, and my reasonable side understands how it happened.
1. Him and I weren’t that close
2. We really were better as friends
3. I was never around
4. My friend and he were in the same band
After we broke up, he dated one other girl for a week. Then my friend approached me and asked if they could start seeing each other… “Sure!” I said.
While it’s all over now, my thoughts still swarm with insecurities. Why wasn’t I good enough? Does anyone actually want to be with me? I bet they would rather be with one of my friends.
Years later, I actually have someone I can see myself spending forever with. So I’m twice as fearful, and quadruple jealous.
Jealousy is a serious issue. It can tear a beautiful relationship to pieces in seconds if we don’t squash it.
I’m not an expert in overcoming jealously. But first, I try to remember that Joel is not that guy from High School. It’s not fair to hold a grudge against him for something another person did. A relationship has to have trust, or the relationship is pointless. Yikes!
Second, jealousy blossoms from fear. Joel is an amazing guy and I’m super afraid of losing him. But, if I want to spray some RAID on this jealousy-monster, I have to be prepared for life without him. I’m not saying I want to be without him. I definitely don’t. But jealousy feeds on my belief that I can’t live without him. Picturing myself happy, successful, and still breathing even if he leaves, sprays on a lethal does of jealousy-killer.
Where can I buy this?! Bug spray from anime series: Nichijou.
Third, jealousy also comes from fear that, although I might not lose him, I might not know him as well as my friends. Some times I wonder if the person he is when it’s just the two of us on a hike is the same as who he is when he’s with his friends.
Yet even with my friends, when I feel like they are starting to get closer to him than I am, jealousy boils within me and I distance myself. Cuz that always helps…
But when I’m not busy coming up with reasons to be jealous, I realize that Joel and I spend a lot of time together. He knows me better than I know myself, and I know him pretty well too. This closeness developed over years and years, and my friends can’t be closer than I am to him, unless I completely disappeared and they stuck around another 4 years.
I know his deepest secrets, and he knows mine. (Although, you know most of mine now too…)
Point is, jealousy shouldn’t be bottled up, or pushed aside.
If you’re suffering with a swollen, red, itchy bite from jealousy, try to figure out if it might be old wounds, fear of loss, or maybe fear of becoming unimportant that’s causing the real sting.
Jealously also shows us where our priorities are. When I start to place my value in my boyfriend, I become more afraid of losing him. But, when I take a step back and remember that my value comes from God, I can breathe easier and give my relationship with my boyfriend the freedom it needs to blossom.
And as for the Halloween party? Plans changed, and it’s actually going to be at my friend’s boyfriend’s parent’s house… And even though I made a big deal out of nothing, some good did come from it. I discovered the root of my jealousy, and can hopefully respond better in the future…but I’ll probably need to revisit this post multiple times…
Want to know more about defeating jealousy? Check out this article by Uncommon Help. (It’s what inspired me to face my own jealous bug.)
Karianne is the founder of Windmill Ways. She plays the cello professionally and currently works as an Art Director for a charity. Because she loves animated shows and movies, she studies 3D animation and graduated with a BFA with the unfortunate class of 2020. Her dream vacation would be just staying home, but "home" being a glamorous cabin somewhere in the mountains surrounded by forest.
Favorite band: Lord Huron
Favorite book: This Present Darkness
Favorite quote: "Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life. You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail." Proverbs 19:20-21 (NLT)
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