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Will I fall or will i misstep?

December 10, 2020 Karianne 4 min read 2 Comments

Stop what you’re doing. There’s a song you should listen to. But first, you need to know a little about how this song came about.

The artist was struggling with anxiety and depression. He sat down at his piano and poured his heart into a prayer. After he finished what he wanted to say, he felt God answer (that’s the loud part at the end).

Please give it a listen.

A Prayer by Kings Kaleidoscope.

This is one of Jake’s favorite songs, but for a long time I didn’t understand why. Like most modern worship, it repeats and repeats and repeats and I couldn’t relate.

Maybe you felt the same when you listened just now.

But I’ve been through a lot recently—in this year I know we all have. I let myself and others down. I swung between my goals and dropped my values. Now when I listen, really listen, I hear what’s spoken between the words.

“Will I fall or will I misstep”…
“Will I fall or will I misstep”…

The words are the same but the meaning grows and shifts each time they’re sung. I remember every time I failed and had to choose to get up again. Fear sparks and turns into a flame when I think about failing in the future.

“If I fall or if I misstep”…
“If I fall or if I misstep”…

The question shifts from wonder to when.

“Am I still beside you?…
“Jesus where are you?”…
“Jesus where are you?”…

And being lost after…

And left in the emptiness.

And the uncertainty.

We wait for that faint voice to answer. Maybe soft, somber music as both our spirit and Jesus’ heart breaks over whatever we did or failed to do.

Yet the music blares triumphantly—I actually jumped the first time I heard this song. Jesus answers victoriously:

“I’m right beside you!”
“I feel what you feel!”

“I was crucified because I love you.”
“I love you, child.”

“I love you.”

Will I fall or will I misstep?

How much can God forgive?
How many times?

I fell. There’s no point in denying it. We can hide our mistakes from almost everyone, but the one person whose opinion matters already knows. The question is, what happens now?

I fell face first in the mud. So do I stay there and make mud pies? If I make them pretty enough I could even sell them for $1. I could do things my own way and never worry about falling because I won’t stand up again. I could act like I was happy and fine, but after knowing what true happiness is, I could only lie.

Or…

I could take that risk. I could stand and try to live the life I was called to—with or without help from those around me.

One of the scariest and yet coolest things about God is it doesn’t matter what your parent or spouse believes. They could be the strongest, most righteous, most loving Christian ever, but we don’t get any “close acquaintance” points. The condition of our spirit is only strengthened or hurt by our choices. I don’t get to hook onto someone else and let them walk for me. Whether I make it or not depends on my own steps.

Will I fall, and will I stay down?

Will I misstep, and fall, and stay down?

Will I misstep, and fall, and cry, and crawl, and walk, and maybe one day, run?

Usually, when I fall it’s because I want to feel like I’m important to someone. Voices around me tell me I can’t do it. Tell me no one will ever want me, not really. Around and around they circle until I do things I don’t want to do. I build walls. I push people away or keep them too close.

I forget that I am already valued, already loved, and already enough in God’s eyes.

Dear self,
When you fall, grab onto God and get up again. Get up and go where you are called to go.

Now I’d like to direct your attention to another song, one you will probably hear at least once this Christmas season: Hark! The Herold Angels sing.

If it’s not stuck in your head already, it begins:
Hark! The Herald Angels sing,
“Glory to the new-born King;
Peace on earth, and mercy mild,
God and sinners reconciled!

This is a time for reconciliation, which is a long way to say healing relationships and getting back on track.

A little further down we hear:
Now He lays His Glory by,
Born that man no more may die
Born to raise the sons of earth,
Born to give them second birth.

When we stand up after we fall, we can stand in a new life, a new heart, and walk with a new love pushing us forward.

Meet the author
Founder - Art Director - Wannabe Animator | Website

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Karianne is the founder of Windmill Ways. She plays the cello professionally and currently works as an Art Director for a charity. Because she loves animated shows and movies, she studies 3D animation and graduated with a BFA with the unfortunate class of 2020. Her dream vacation would be just staying home, but "home" being a glamorous cabin somewhere in the mountains surrounded by forest.

Favorite band: Lord Huron
Favorite book: This Present Darkness
Favorite quote: "Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life. You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail." Proverbs 19:20-21 (NLT)

Would you like to share your story on Windmill Ways? Apply here.

2 Comments

  • Laurie Gabriel December 10, 2020 at 7:31 pm

    I love your insights. The strings in the background of this song are awesome. The burst in the answer is goosebumpy.

    I love that you are sharing your journey.

    Here’s something I decided to accept about myself as I near my 60th decade: All my “mistakes” were choices I made at each point in time for a reason, whether it was avoiding pain, seeking pleasure, or just being naive with no 2020 hindsight at my disposal. I don’t call them missteps. They’re just steps that led me where I was supposed to be next, and ultimately to where I am now.

    Love ya!

    • Karianne January 4, 2021 at 2:05 pm

      I knew you’d like the strings! hehe. Thank you for sharing! That’s a great thought. Every step is simply a step. It just feels like a misstep to me because it might hurt like a sprained ankle and I didn’t walk on the path I wanted to.

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