Is it possible to be an emotional wreck for a wedding that’s not even happening? Apparently yes. And right now I’m surfing down the middle of an emotional tidal wave.
My friend is getting married. And I’m so ridiculously excited I almost cried when she sent a photo of her wedding dress. I am happy for her. Overjoyed!
I just wish I was getting married, too.
Then all 1,000+ of my wedding pins might actually be useful…But I’m not even engaged! My life is no where close to being ready for marriage. Yet, just in case you don’t think I’m pathetic enough, I already had the perfect date picked out. July 7, 2017 aka 7/7/17 (little things like matching numbers excite me).
I’m angry at where my marker is on the game of life.
I want to be 10 paces ahead. Where I have a good job, house, husband, and kids…But I’m stuck right here, where Joel and I have been dating for 5 years (a year longer than my friend), yet I’m still in school and he’s still looking for a better job. We are several spaces (years) from marriage…Plus I had to move back 5 spaces when I thought I fell in love with someone else last year…
On the other side of the game board, my friend’s relationship is roughly 1000x more stable. Her fiance has a good job. They both just graduated college. And they just bought a house.
I’m torn between keeping my emotions in check with reality and my dreams. More than anything, I want to be glad and only glad for my friend. If I could afford a therapist, I imagine he or she would tell me:
“It’s not about the years, it’s about the people involved. And right now your relationship isn’t ready for the next mile. Do you think you could work out finances, school loans, buy a house, and mesh your lives together right now?”
Well, no but–
“Then accept that each relationship comes with a unique timeline of events. You started dating earlier, but you still have a ways to go before you reach the next mile…That’ll be 700 dollars.”
I thought Joel and I would be the first in our group of friends to get married. I have to let that go. Part of that belief was because my friends that are getting married soon said they weren’t going to get married…but I have to let that go too. Joel likes to talk about getting married, but we aren’t even engaged. Gotta let it go. No more expectations. Just appreciate the moment as it is.
Accept. And move on.
Accept. And move on.
Deep breath. And move on.
Admitting my anger (and talking to my “therapist”) helped me understand that I’m mad at no one other than myself. I messed up so much that Joel now has doubts about my wandering heart, and isn’t sure he’s ready to be married.
I learned a valuable life lesson, but actions still cause certain results. And the result of thinking I fell in love in India means I have to postpone my happily ever after while I pick up pieces from the aftermath.
But maybe, what’s left can still be beautiful. Like the Japanese art of repairing broken things with liquid gold…
My relationship with Joel can be beautiful, and strong. Even if there are visible scars. Like not being the first ones married, and not having 7/7/17 for a wedding date. Yet my biggest lesson from this is that time, mixed with examination and acceptance, heals all wounds.
Even the ones I give myself over a made-up wedding…
Karianne is the founder of Windmill Ways. She plays the cello professionally and currently works as an Art Director for a charity. Because she loves animated shows and movies, she studies 3D animation and graduated with a BFA with the unfortunate class of 2020. Her dream vacation would be just staying home, but "home" being a glamorous cabin somewhere in the mountains surrounded by forest.
Favorite band: Lord Huron
Favorite book: This Present Darkness
Favorite quote: "Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life. You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail." Proverbs 19:20-21 (NLT)
Would you like to share your story on Windmill Ways? Apply here.